Whilst most of India was glued to their television screens, carefully listening to the speech that was being given by the Prime Minister, I stood sulking, bearing a sullen visage which was almost reduced to tears. I found myself in Hyderabad for the HMUN conference and had placed myself as one of, if not the best in my committee and when I did not obtain, what in my mind was a fair reward for the effort that I had given to the MUN, I was broken. What made it worse was that it was not merely a case of over-confidence but rather that the award that my actions had warranted was not presented to me as I came across as over-aggressive and my behaviour in committee was judged to be not up to the mark. I do concede that I indulged in a few discreet giggles at other delegates during their speeches, however coming from the Bangalore circuit where this was a very natural occurrence, I was greatly disturbed. Those who were unfortunate enough to be with me that day saw a seemingly inanimate figure as if the life force had been sucked out of me by some malicious being. My lips were sealed shut and my glassy eyes stared into nothingness, like the entire audience of the closing ceremony had disappeared and I was left with my disappointment. My overly competitive attitude could not bear what had just happened and my ego could not comprehend it. The very delegates that I had snickered at had beaten me and it was almost as if I felt an innate duty to be mad. Just pure undying rage and frustration coursed through my veins and although my countenance displayed none of it, on the inside, I was an erupting volcano. Having not completely been consumed by this anger, I made sure that I displayed as much pride as I possibly could when my friends won an award but I did not entirely participate in the celebrations, feeling that I would betray myself if I did. When our school, won the award for the best small delegation, a small part of me begged for me to let go of this rage and partake in the celebrations of this wonderful achievement but that small part was quickly shot down. My anger was of a different kind as I did not care about what other people would say about my not winning or how my perceived ability at a Model UN would depreciate in the eyes of others, my fury was rooted in the fact that I had let myself or more accurately my ego down. My obstinate self-refused to let go of my negative feelings even post some attempts of deep self-persuasion. This carried on for some time and while my friends tried their best to comfort me, they realised that I simply needed some time. And time it took, along with the presence of my closest friends whose cumulative efforts gradually rid me of my anger. But I am a strange person and my madness did not subside as now I was mad at myself for not being mad at the result of the MUN. My anger morphed into a more dangerous type as it was directed at myself and again it took my dear friends to rid me of it. Some of them, who had fared as I had done bore cheery visages as they were simply content with the fact that they had tried their best and that some things are beyond our control. They helped me see how unhealthy my rage was as it was adversely affecting me and my behaviour. Finally, I simply adopted an ‘Oh who cares’ and I was instantly feeling much better. I was slowly turning my rage into excitement for the next opportunity I would be handed in such an event and boy am I raring to go. Truth be told, I was and still am unable to let go of all my disappointment as I always have, with constant niggling by said feelings in my brain but each such experience marks a failure and thus a chance to grow, to become better and to develop. This article was not meant to teach anyone how to deal with failing as I personally have not learnt completely, it was merely to showcase my experience so that others can take from it what they will.

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One thought on “Dealing With Failure

  1. Hi Akash, you will face such similar situations in your life several times. It is how you deal with them that will propel you to great heights. Anger is not the solution but analysis and subsequent adjustment may surely help out. It is good to see you admit the issue and not be in denial. That is a great first step. Best of luck.

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